i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
