It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Why can't burritos get me drunk
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
