Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
