The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
