I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
