Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I think I am morally bankrupt
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
