Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
