I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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