Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
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He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
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The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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