nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
