Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
