All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
