this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
