the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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