shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
