how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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