if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
