my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
