Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
