And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
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Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
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YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?