you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever