I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
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So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.