grandma shit on top of the toilet
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse