It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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