so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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