You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
