He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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