just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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