There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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