i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
