a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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