I think I won the penis lottery.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
