Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
