this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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