Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
