It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
