Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
