By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
