Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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