I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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