Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
