i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
