it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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