The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.