I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
