i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
