I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
