You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
