I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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