Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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