Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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