You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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