Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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