...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
its not stalking. its research.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
