I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
