I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
