fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
