we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
