Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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