I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
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So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
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