Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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