Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
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Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
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Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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