He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
